I am looking at the title of my website – ‘from the REAL me’ and noticing how I don’t want to say what is really going on for me right now. Hundreds of thoughts are floating around in my mind – who is going to read this, I need to be careful as I don’t want to upset anyone and not in the piss them off sort of way but in the sad, depressive sort of way. I am worried about getting the words right, being vulnerable and having people worry about me – which I really don’t want.
But I am committed to being real, to sharing fully and to providing the people around me with the space to do the same when they need to, so here goes…
The last couple of weeks have been crap. I feel like I have been run over by a large truck – both physically and emotionally. What happened, what is happening? Who the fuck knows. I HAD been feeling amazing. My fibro was nearly gone – yes – gone! I could walk, I was sleeping through the night, every night and I was enjoying my life. Then one day I woke up and it was back, even worse than before and the thought of having to deal with this for the rest of my life sent me diving head first into a very large black hole.
On top of that, my grandmother is very unwell and nearly the end of her life which is of course sad because I love her dearly. However at 95 years old and an incredibly full life in her wake, it is OK. Unlike my good friend who is having to deal with the imminent death of her sister from a brain tumour. This beautiful, loving, incredible woman and teacher being dragged from this world before she was ready, before anyone was really ready. There are not the words to describe how heartbreaking this is.
Once again, as has happened several times throughout my life, I am left wondering what is the point, why are we here. I don’t have any answers but I do thank the universe for the reminder to continue to play full out in my own life so that when it is my turn to leave, I do so with no regrets and nothing left un-done!
So what is present for me now is both sadness for the lives that are moving on, leaving us with an emptiness that may never be filled and an excitement about what is to come. I have heard it said so many times before – you cannot know what it is to feel joy unless you have also felt pain, success without disappointment, love without heartbreak. If I am to truly live this life to it’s fullest then I’m going to have to accept all of it.