Yep, everyone looks at me and think I look fine. And you know what, apart from quite a few extra kilos floating around my middle, and thighs and bust (the latter of which I don’t really mind too much because growing up I never really had any cleavage), I really do look fine.
Unfortunately that is not how I feel. I have pain all over my body, I have forgotten what a good night’s sleep is like, I want to cry (and do) a lot, I am exhausted and I don’t really want to talk to or be around people much. The latter of which is pretty hard for everyone around me I know but right now I have to manage me.
The multiple doctors I have been to can’t tell me what is wrong but I read a great blog post by Sarah Wilson (would totally recommend you check her out) that you need to work your way through 5 doctors before you will find THE one. So off to doctor number 5 tomorrow – let’s see what she has to say.
Anyway, this blog post is not designed to get sympathy or create worry, it has two main purposes for me. Firstly – writing is therapeutic to me, it helps when I get things out. Secondly to have people know how important it is to not judge people on how they appear to be. I have had a glimpse of what it is like to look ok on the outside but be screaming on the inside. I can only imagine how hard it is for other people with chronic disease , depression, anxiety and the list goes on, to deal with being in the world and having people not get their struggle.
How I maintain any level of sanity inside of feeling like this – well that is easy, I have an amazing and supportive family (and believe me, sometimes I am tough to be with), an incredibly bestie (aka business partner, doc and travel buddy), a new business adventure (Molly and Fox) that I love, and I meditate for at least an hour every day. Meditation helps me to stay in this moment, not think about whether I am still going to be in pain later today, tomorrow or in a year from now. It keeps me present.
This is going to sound weird to some of you but here goes…
Today I am grateful for what is going on with me physically because it is teaching me how to be gentle, to love and take care of myself more. It is teaching me that the manic pace at which I have tackled everything in my life up until this point, does not work. It is teaching me that silence is golden, that doing less can result in achieving much much more than I ever dreamed was possible and that I am enough.
Enjoy your day xx