I have been with my husband for over 20 years, married for almost 12 of those years and coming up to that milestone where I have spent more of my life WITH him than WITHOUT him. Mostly I love him, mostly I think he is the most amazing man I have ever met – committed, dedicated, caring, loyal, faithful, loving… Mostly I can’t imagine my life without him.
There are many things that we don’t agree about. There are things that no matter how much we discuss (which by the way looks like me talking and him sitting there silently – most likely flabbergasted that I could even think the way that I do) that we are not on the same page about. We are not even on the same planet. You know the black hole that astronomers talk about – well, we are in there. And you know what, it is really not that much fun in the black hole. It is dark, icy icy cold, lonely, you can’t see where you are going and you are not sure if you are ever going to make it out.
So how do we get onto the same page? Is it even possible? Well, I wish I knew. I am committed 100% to what I want, to the picture I have painted in my head about what I want my life to look like, what I want OUR life to look like and he is 100% committed to what he wants, to the picture he has painted in his head about he wants his and OUR life to look like. Neither of us want to budge, neither of us want to give up our pictures, I mean, they have taken years to paint, a lot of work has gone into them – they are works of art – bloody masterpieces!
I want answers and I want them now (I am not a patient person by any means – just ask my husband). I want answers because the black hole is extremely uncomfortable and I want out. If you think the next paragraph is going to involve me sharing with you my lightbulb moment where the answer came to me miraculously in a dream or a strange vision or flash of clarity – I am going to have to disappoint you. I do not have the answers, I may never have the answers. I am still in the black hole, fumbling around, trying to create the best life I know how to create for me and for my family.
Compromise inside of a marriage is a given – how you want to raise the kids, where to go on holidays, what movies to watch, which side of the bed to sleep on, who takes out the rubbish, who works, who stays home and how the finances are managed. We compromise in so many areas of our life, but what happens when you get to an area where you are so far apart that compromise seems impossible. What then? Is that where you have to choose which masterpiece you want to hang on your lounge room wall, putting the other one into storage or maybe even into the garbage. Or is this where you decide you need different lounge rooms – different houses to hang your artwork in because no matter how you try to arrange them, they just don’t look any good together.